How can you not revere Robin Williams for his earthly contributions, his quick ridiculous wit, endless celebrity impressions, his selflessness, and that certain sweetness he carried with him? His wild, and often manic zany nature sometimes made me feel a little uncomfortable and while funny I quite enjoyed his quieter more dramatic roles. I think it is safe to say that Robin was quite special. Energetic, charismatic and hilariously funny to many but he was not quiet about his demons. He was quite vocal actually and the undertones and sometimes very blatant overtones showed up in his comedic as well as his dramatic roles. His filter was thinly veiled. I respect him for that. He did not hide. He was unabashedly authentic. My thoughts go out to all that loved and knew him in real life and may you find peace and strength in each other.
He was loved and so are you.
A while ago I myself uttered the words, “Now I understand why people resort to killing themselves.” I said it. Those words came out of my mouth followed with, “Don’t worry I am not going to off myself.” Recognizing how serious these words were. Immediately I thought whoa…. I am really fucking sad…because I was not looking for drama or sympathy. I was speaking my truth in that moment. There I was telling people I am super duper sad and nothing seems to be shaking it. Go to yoga they say. So I did. Go to the gym they say…so i did. It’s no joke. I have not been diagnosed with depression or anything like that but it was a realization that things can be that bad for people and I was too close to that edge for comfort. I knew that I was a little if not moderately messed up and in that knowing I wanted to remain smart about gaging it even in the midst the circles I was running in my head. just.make.it.stop. and by IT I mean the things that are continuously hurtled at us, snatched from our hands and just out of reach. Continuously. Relentlessly. Piled one on top of the next. I had come to know the depth of that feeling like I never had before. What would I do if these feelings got worse or more persistent? Nope. Not happening. Thoughts quickly turned to get me out of this gross place. I don’t belong here. Yet there I stood with stuck feet in a vat of numb unrecognizable mush. What do I need to do? What do I need to stop doing?
When this sneaky little b*tch shows up, and and pitches a fucking tent it becomes harder and harder to find peace, joy and comfort in your own skin no matter how badly you want it. It compounds on itself. There are times that we must fight our way out of it and often need to let go of things we thought were good for us that are actually very very bad and sometimes things are just taken from us. It could be a million different scenarios as all of our realities play out differently. Divorce, death in the family, miscarriage, job loss, debt, illness, infertility, postpartum, perhaps it turns turns that your partner is a professional asshole, or you have just succumbed to the the fact that coffee and dairy are no longer welcome in your wellness protocol. All causes for major anxiety and depression.
At times we are forged by fire to trust our gut intuition and take zero bullshit from anyone. At other times we are made to surrender. We should always ALWAYS examine our feelings and thoughts to see how we feel in our bodies. Does it fuel? Does it inflame? Can we do anything about it right now? With angels come demons and how charming, convincing and deceptive their fiction can be on our psyche. We must trust that we are making adjustments and taking action that will lead us down a better path. A brighter healthier path.
If you find yourself anywhere near this place take the time to examine what has taken root in your world, take out the trash, pull some weeds and do everything possible along the way to nourish your body mind and spirit. Not sure what to do to rearrange the behaviors and thought patterns that cloud your every thought? Get in touch with someone you trust and tell them that you NEED help. On the flip side of that listen to those you love that are trying to tell you maybe in not so many words, that they are really fucking sad.
This song has been in my head for the last couple of days. Seems to make sense somehow.
Always be truthful and kind and treat yourself sweetly,
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung,
Would you hear my voice come through the music?
Would you hold it near as it were your own?It’s a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken,
Perhaps they’re better left unsung.
I don’t know, don’t really care
Let there be songs to fill the air.Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.
Reach out your hand if your cup be empty,
If your cup is full may it be again,
Let it be known there is a fountain,
That was not made by the hands of men.
There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.
Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.
You, who choose to lead, must follow
But if you fall you fall alone.
If you should stand then who’s to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home.