eat swell

Where do I even begin?  This post is a long time coming and it seems even though it has only been two short months since my last personal update, I feel like I have to discuss this.  I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started this journey but I am finding that my story is proving  to be a perfect example of how fast things can turn around when you take control of your lifestyle, relationships, what you choose to put in your mouth along with what you feed your soul. It really is a combination of things to truly be healthy and feel great.  It’s pretty wild.

I feel like I need to go back a ways to a topic that looms and admittedly is not an easy thing to write about……the photography industry and relationships.

It’s a doozy. 1…2…3…go……

For nearly 5 years now I have been a full time professional photographer. Not married. No kids. I am responsible for myself. I have worked harder than I have ever worked in all my life to build what I have built…..from the ground up.  I LOVE my job. Sometimes a little to much.

It wasn’t all a big work disaster.   It was a one two punch after a record breaking first year in business with over 75 family clients.  Things were great!  The chaos really started when my boyfriend got an ex-girlfriend pregnant (glad it wasn’t me!!!) and an old flame forest fire that rose from the ashes, very shortly after that absurdity to rekindle what never really worked in the first place.  A lethal combo of events that I just kind of pushed to the side and never really dealt with head on in a healthy way. Work kept me going.

Let me clarify. There is work and then there is the photography industry. There is not much open dialogue about this among peers.  What would clients think?  I know there is a whole sea of people that feel like this and deal with it first hand. on a daily basis. If they aren’t their friend is. It really is a big sad issue.

It went something like this….

After graduating from Cal State Fullerton in 2005 with a BA in Secondary Education with an emphasis on photography and graphic design, I  found myself with a DSLR in 2006. My good friends Brittany and Carrie introduced me to Flickr and I was immediately immersed in this new world, entangled in an ever growing network of industry professionals and I was on fire.  A  year later, in 2007,  I was in business and I had to litterally BEG families to go out into nature for portraits.  That has since become the norm. I was on the front lines of an emerging industry….the new generation of  ”I am a photographer.”

Little did many of us know we were riding the front end of a wave with a dark toxic underbelly. With the internet at our fingertips, our competition was not just local but world-wide.  More people than we could count were popping up that and growing increasingly nasty and hostile…. running illegitimate businesses, catty,  jealousy, severe undercutting on pricing, stealing ideas, witch hunts, envy, name dropping, back stabbing and cliques that moved through circles like tornadoes stealing thunder, shine, and anything that they could stick their insecure fangs in.  It was like high school on steroids, crack and quite literally a nut house in the making. It was very kill or be killed. Even then I could not believe I was wasting my energy the way that I was but it was fueling my own fire in some way.

Beyond the energy it takes to run your own business the industry is what was what wore me out.  I literally own photographypolice.com  I could seriously have given Perez Hilton a run for his money.  I mean people make it so easy and I can be pretty funny….to some. Instead of tarnishing  my sprit further I opted for social burn out. It wasn’t the kind of energy I wanted to carry.  Flickr, Facebook, and Twitter, were synonymous with style,  growth and notoriety.  Thankfully, I never had a desire to please my peers or followers. I did my own thing. I made friends but coveted no one. I stayed true to myself 100% and still do.  I never copied people and made sure not to fall prey to fads and trends.  All I really wanted was to photo clients. But there I was all wrapped up in nonsense with an uncanny knack to speak my mind.  A complete and total waste of energy….to set a standard…to defend friends….It was simply a convenient distraction to the real issues that were going on in my relationship with my boyfriend and with myself.  Avoidance of the inevitable will take you out every single time.

The cut throat competition of the creative world takes many people straight to their knees. Me, it took a little bit longer….about 4 years to really start taking it’s toll me.  Grinding me down slowly…I found myself in a place where I no longer recognized myself.  I had put on weight.  Many of my non-photography related friendships had deteriorated if not fallen away completely.  I was consumed.  100%.  All work. Not much play.  The play I did have usually involved taking photos. The result….Mood swings, a sharp tongue, loose social media discretion and very little tolerance. My life had been consumed by a black box, finding the good light,  a computer screen, with a desire and a natural inclination to be one of the best.  My mind  could not stop thinking of the next promotion, pricing structures, taxes, website design, location scouting, obtaining new clients and perfecting my craft.

If you are a photographer, small business owner, or even a stay at home mom, you are probably shaking your head YES! right about now. You know what I am talking about….Running the show comes with many many hats to wear, balls to juggle and a never ending to do list a mile long. Beginning of the year I just decided social politics had no business taking up my mental space and I stopped cold turkey. Done deal.  I have not exited completely but remain solid with fairly extensive core group of friends I have known since the start….and that is all I need.  I am so thankful for all of them in so many ways. Mostly for putting up with my shenanigans.

I found myself back in school for holistic nutrition to be a certified holistic healthcare practitioner. Initially I signed up FOR ME for no other reason than a desire to go back to school and to heal myself.  It was obvious that the health care industry was in fact there to manage disease not heal or prevent. I also have always thought that class of 2012 sounded awesome.  So it was no brainer, right?

Now that I am nearly 6 months in, learning more than I ever could from reading blog articles on line, I would love nothing more than to help people that are, anxious, overworked, burned out, over extended, sick and tired.  I want to share  the tools that I have been given to really make long term life changes for the better.  It does not happen overnight and there is no magic pill. It has been a challenge  but no where near impossible. Some changes that I needed to make I didn’t even realize were there until I had open conversations with my own holistic heath coach.

Once I dropped the toxic relationship beginning of March I very quickly I began to see things differently. Process things differently and in turn react differently. Word.

What is good for me may not be what’s best for you and what’s great for your best friend could very well poison you. Guidance is invaluable.

I am pleased to say that I feel SO much better and the 25 pounds I have lost in the last 3 months is just a by product of the changes that I have made in my life. I will go into those things in the future as I start to share more here.  First things first.  Changes I have made have gone  far beyond food choices and the most drastic thing, for me,  so far was letting go of the bad relationship I wanted so badly to be different but was never going to change.

Do you have things you want or need to let go?

I have a ways to go to be where I want to be but I feel brighter, lighter, happier, and my relationships that I had jacked up are on the mend.  I am in a new healthy relationship that fell from the sky when I least expected it. He’s a wonderfully, handsome,  resourceful, funny,  sweet guy that makes me feel something like this…..

So, things are good….and getting better.

xxoo,

amy b.